This agreement would have to be made even in monogamous relationships, as many things become automated in them and they have no quality time. What can monogamous relationships learn from this? The importance of making a relational agreement establishing a series of issues that sometimes are uncomfortable, but must be discussed. Communication and quality time are crucial. Non-monogamous people have had to break with the idea of romantic love, reformulating it from a different place. This is often not taken into account in monogamy, because there has been no deconstruction of it. “Non-monogamous people work on this a lot, because we have deconstructed a lot and we are very aware of what care, bonds and affective responsibility are. One key aspect is communication, which in non-monogamous relationships has to be open, direct and honest. It is important not to romanticize polyamory,” she points out. “The fact that we are polyamorous doesn’t mean that we relate fantastically we take a lot of care, we are super affectively responsible, we have super intense emotional self-awareness and an amazing management of emotions and jealousy. When talking about what monogamous relationships can learn from polyamory, Casquet is quick to clarify something. Sometimes, within the category of polyamory, there is relationship anarchy, so we cannot rank or label them,” says Noemí Casquet, author of Éxtasis (Ecstasy), who points out that sometimes the difficulty lies in the fact that some put emotional narcissism first, while a key aspect is to avoid the consumption of bodies, prioritizing care. There is also non-hierarchical polyamory, where there is no ranking and everyone is the same. Then there is group polyamory, which involves different people, and polyfidelity, which is basically when a group of people have romantic or sexual relationships, but cannot have those ties outside of that group. “Within polyamory there are throuples or quads, in which three or four people become linked at the same time in a romantic relationship, which may or may not be sexual. Otherwise it’s pointless, because it is not about consuming bodies or romantic relationships. Such ranking does not depend on who you love the most, but on privileges such as who you live with from there, other relationships will depend on time management, emotional involvement and your ability to create and care for bonds with affective responsibility and commitment. You can have a main relationship, which would be hierarchical polyamory, in which the main relationship is the primary one. “Since polyamory has no sexual or affective exclusivity, we can establish romantic and sexual-affective ties, romantic ties without sex, or just sexual ties. Something that, again, wouldn’t hurt to have in monogamy – in an explicit, spoken way, not only from a tacit agreement made at the beginning of a relationship.” In order to be called ethical, they must in all cases include transparency, honesty, consensus and consent. Non-monogamous relationships can involve a greater or lesser degree of openness, priorities and agreements of all kinds. Because until recently it was a kind of ‘closeted’ relationship, information on the matter is still scarce and many people’s idea of it is based on clichés and stereotypes, so there can be a great distance between the theoretical definitions and the practice. Sandra Bravo, journalist, therapist, non-monogamous activist and promoter of the Hablemos de poliamor (Let’s talk about polyamory) project, points out that “the word polyamory has practically become an umbrella term to refer to very different forms of non-monogamous relationships. Both models are valid,” explains psychologist Lara Ferreiro, an expert in couple relationships and collaborator of Ashley Madison. A traditional monogamous relationship where they find fulfillment and happiness may work for one person, while another may find this satisfaction in polyamory. In addition, not everyone has the same beliefs and ways of understanding the world. “These studies show that each person has their own emotional and affective needs. Although it is increasingly common for well-known personalities to make headlines by confessing that they are polyamorous, in reality polyamory continues to make many uncomfortable, even if the opinion polls are beginning to reflect a certain open-mindedness.Īccording to a study by online dating service Ashley Madison, 60% of the platform’s users no longer believe in monogamy, while 23% claim to be dissatisfied and 23% say they feel trapped in monogamous relationships. As soon as the trailer for the movie Challengers, starring Zendaya, was released, everyone’s attention focused on the polyamorous relationship that her character, tennis star Tashi, has with Patrick (Josh O’Connor) and Mike (Art Donaldson).
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